I had an interesting end to the year, say the last quarter, I will write about this when the words take the best form in my head.
The last two years haven’t really popped, I dunno why that is. Wait, maybe I do. I dream big, I am not sure my actions are on the same level though and I have to address that. My mother tells me to grow up a lot, she says I am as mature as I am immature. There’s a lotta truth in that. Letting fears and insecurities pause my groove as I do is kinda immature. Were I a teenager or in some fresh outta school grad, my impetuousness would be expected right, but here I am, full grown as one would want to be and still grappling with how to forge my gifts and dreams into something I can be proud of. Argh.
Anyways, I do not have new year resolutions as such, they are pointless. I do hope to be healthier, and to travel to at least six European countries. Let see how that goes.
I am really trying not to start the year with beating myself up, but the disappointments keep creeping up on me. My biggest fear is failure and that fear speaks to me so often. I am actually sick of hearing how ‘smart’ I am. So sick of it. It’s a constant reminder of how I’m shortchanging myself. If you’re ever tempted to tell me, kindly refrain from doing so. *Side eye*.
On the upside, I know now without a doubt that I NEED to be in Nigeria. That is where I am happiest. The possibilities of what could pop when I’m home keeps me very amped, I have had enough of London. The cold reminds me of just how tired I am of the city. I have been here for most of my life yet it’s never felt like home. So, how to make the Lagos move happen? Well, I made a minor move for a gig I want. I don’t know how that’s going to go, suffice it to say that making that move was major (though it was a minor move, odd, I know) for me even. I am proud (or is it shy?). I do not like to need someone, I do not like to pester people because they unavoidably forget about a conversation we had about some random ish I want or need. Still, this is something I really want and I am being honest, if I never asked, I’d be mad as hell at myself.
You know what’s rather pointless? Waiting for a perfect time. I realised this last month or so (this is rather obvious and that it’s taken me so long to is something I charge to my aforementioned immaturity). People who make things pop don’t wait do they? So, I will be better henceforth, for real.
Here are the things I’d like to do before the year is out, sans travelling and going to the gym.
Take my music writing seriously. This was the highlight of last year for me, I wrote articles on music people actually care about. That’s still a trip. I am mad opinionated and I started writing on Naija music because I liked it but apparently what I have to say matters a little bit. That’s good, I will try to be better at it. An article a month at the very least.
Move to Lagos. How I am going to make this happen, I do not know yet but one’s gotta let the universe know. Maybe some stars will align right and it’ll happen. 🙂
Tame my insecurities. See, the voice constantly reminding me of my inadequacies is mad loud right now. Luckily, I won’t buckle under it, I am built to last but it chips away at my defences. It’s time to shut that guy up or at least quiet him to an imperceptible whisper.
Have more fun. I don’t do that enough. I intend to correct that.
In general, I am thankful that my heart hasn’t hardened. I doubt I’ll ever be as wise as I should be but I’m working with the quality of heart, and I am rather pleased with it.
Finally, I had a writer’s block recently. I think it’s been lifted. Gotta take a couple of sips to that.
The soundtrack to this is Bryson Tiller’s Trapsoul. A nice album, hints of immaturity, yearning and angst – Suits my current mood.
Happy new year, may it be kind to you and yours. Cheers to good times ahead.